TRUSTING THAT EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON

Today is my wedding day.

 Well, today was my wedding.

 I mean, I didn't actually get married, but I was meant to.

 LOL FFS I WIN THE AWARDS FOR BEING TERRIBLE AT EXPLAINING THINGS.

 This is not a post I ever thought I would write for two reasons. The first being that I never thought I would be engaged and then not get married. But mostly because despite having written the odd couple of personal posts (only originally written for people to stop asking when I was getting married because lol, not getting married anymore, and the other 1 as a bit of a follow up because jesus christ I did not expect so many people to read the first and want to know how I was getting on), I am actually really not a personal blogger. Getting personal for everybody and anybody to see scares the shit out of me but this post I just felt a little bit compelled to write.

 Because actually, this is not at all the sad post that you might originally think it is, it's actually the happiest, most positive and hopefully inspiring post I've ever written, because I, am the happiest, most positive that I've ever been.

 I went from rock bottom, and the most hideous place in which I never thought I'd recover from, to 100% knowing that everything happens for a reason and that going through what I did was actually kinda the best thing to ever happen to me.
I always feel like, and say, that I've lived a pretty charmed life and I think that that mostly stems from the fact that I have the most incredible family in the world and because to me, family is everything, I can't help but feel like I've hit the jackpot. But life isn't that easy, it's not all pretty pink houses on Instagram (although lol if you follow mine you'll know that it is very much pretty pink houses on the surface!), it's not all lunches and brunches and the good parts that you see on a daily basis. I've lived what I call a charmed life but I've realistically, probably been through more than most.

 At 15 I fell really ill. 

 BRB while I search for the tiniest violin.

 I missed pretty much the whole of Year 10 & 11 at school, bar a few weeks here and there, I spent most of the time in hospital, sleeping or screaming in pain (so, you know, that was fun) but what I remember the most from that time wasn't the sheer amount of pain, it was that I felt like that would be my life forever. I felt that instead of Oxford or Cambridge - lol that you're all like "bitch please" but actually this ditzy blonde possessed many brain cells back in the day - and being a lawyer or a doctor, my future path would only ever consist of hospital beds and ambulances. My life changed beyond measure when I fell ill at 15 but to this day I am beyond grateful that it happened. I mean, being ill af wasn't wonderful, but it changed my path and actually, it changed me.

 When I was finally better, because I had no A-Levels/qualifications, I had to take a more creative than intellectual route and that's how I ended up in TV. I missed uni and I missed that degree next to my name but what I did have was determination and this sheer resolve to make something of my life because I felt like I'd been given a second chance. I wasn't lying in a hospital bed, I wasn't staring at a white wall wondering if this was it for me, I wasn't well, but I was well enough to make a go of something and jesus fucking christ I worked my significantly bigger now than it was then arse off to make it work out. I worked for free to begin with, and then I worked 18hr days, 6 days a week on some of the biggest shows being screamed at all day long (on minimum wage)... I worked hard and I did well and I also put any spare moment - which was minimal - into this blog and after years of plugging away I finally was able to go full time with it.

 It wasn't the path that I was meant to go down. But my god I am so incredibly grateful and happy that it was the path that I did go down because this is my absolute dream job. It causes me more stress and tears and breakdowns than anyone would ever imagine but I am living a dream and I'm eternally grateful. I've met my best friends, I've travelled the world, I've had my face on a bloody billboard (LOL no YOU still can't believe it), I never thought I'd be grateful for years of agony but I am, because if that never happened, I would, 100%, not be living the life I'm living now. I would not have the drive and work ethic and passion for life and being the best that I could be like I do now... I probably wouldn't even be writing this blog. 
When my relationship broke down last year, I honestly felt like my life was over. I was the girl that always said that I'd "always be ok" after a breakup but lol nope, I was a mess. I mean, a mess that knew it was 100% the right thing, but still a mess. I never went into details back then and I still won't now, but I honestly just felt like I needed to write this post for all of the incredible girls that reached out to me 8 months ago (and ever since actually) to let you know that you were right. You all said I would be OK, and I am. Looking back approaching a year on, on what would've been my wedding day, is so f**king strange because not only am I a different person (in what I hope is the best possible way), but my outlook on life is completely different. I'm grateful for the 4 years with someone who was my best friend, I'm grateful that I've experienced love and actually, I'm grateful that I had my heart broken... because I know what I want and need in life now, and while I can't say I'll never let my heart break again (because life is too short to build barriers and protect myself, I would rather risk hurt and be myself and give my all without fear of rejection), I do know now that whatever happens, I can handle it. Actually much better and much quicker than I ever expected.

 I did go through hell and back, but I am a stronger, happier, positive, (potentially sassier? *insert upside down emoji here*), more independent woman (no your now singing Beyonce) off of the back of it. I have the best friends that I speak to all day long now and those friendships blossomed off the back of that break up last year, I can travel and live and take every opportunity unapologetically without fear or jealousy.

 Without sounding like an arrogant arsehole, I would like to think that I am more than just OK. The truth is, ever since my life changed last year, I have... thrived? It's something that everybody in my working life said to me but it's only something that I recently noticed. Maybe it's because nothing or nobody is holding me back. Maybe it's because I've been at rock bottom a few times in my life and I can appreciate the good. But I think mostly it's because I know that life is short, and every moment matters... so spend it with people that deserve your love and deserve your time. Travel, make friends, push yourself, work your arse off... live unapologetically knowing that no matter how bad things might be in that moment, everything always happens for a reason.

Photography by the amazing Ella / @ellahphotography

So yeah, this post was not really meant to be about a break up and it was most definitely not meant to be about my total sick note past, it is for everyone of you going through pain and feeling like there's no way out and you'll never be OK and life will never work itself out. Because it will.

Today was meant to be my wedding day. And I'm spending it with one of my best friends, eating, drinking and laughing until I cry. I couldn't think of a better way to spend it!

xx


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