You know when you write some sassy posts and Instagram captions after sharing a shitty life update and everyone's like "BAE YOU'VE GOT THIS", "You have so got this", "Absolutely killing it right now", "I can't wait to see what the year has to hold for you", "This is your time"... and one for luck, "girl, you have totally got this".
And then you're like, hold on a sec, I may feel like a pile of turd that's cried all of the rivers but you're right, I have so got this.
And you go about life genuinely feeling for a few days, maybe even a week like you've actually got this untiiiiiiil it all comes crashing down. This has basically been my 2017 so far.
Ffs this sounds so morbid and moaning myrtle and completely not the vibe I was going for at all this year and don't get me wrong, there are areas of my life that are going amazingly (thank you 2017 for not completely battering me to a pulp), but if last year taught me anything (I mean, it taught me a hell of a lot), it's that opening up and being honest with you lot is 100% the best option. And honestly, if opening up helps as many people as it did the last time I spoke honestly, then it'll all be worth it.
When everyone assured me that I was sassier than the dancing red lady emoji, deep down I never really believed it. Because that isn't me and my confidence levels are smaller than a pea, but it was so so lovely to be given a boost by a group of babes that I respect - and appreciate - more than I can put into words.
But here's the thing, whilst I was given a major boost and was feeling, on the most part, good, I forgot/completely disregarded that it's OK not to feel OK*. And this was one of the most detrimental things to happen because when all of the positive vibes started to wear off and I saw myself looking and feeling like a sack of potatoes and those sassy levels shrunk back down to being pea sized... I felt like shit.
*I am so sorry that you're now going to be singing Jessie J for the next 3 hours.
And I think sadly, I felt afraid and quite frankly pissed off at myself for not being the strong, sassy "I got this" girl that everyone thought I was. I remember bursting into tears and having a shocking day after a week of no tears and so much positivity and my Mum and 2 closest friends actually said to me, this needed to happen because you were too OK. You were miraculously positive. You were just getting on with life as if nothing had happened. But something had happened... big and major and totally life-altering and actually, it's a much, much more unnatural response to be OK about it than completely devastated.
The thing is, I poured my heart out to the internet, got a response that I never dreamed possible (I still get emails to this day thanking me for writing it and helping them feel less alone) and felt fucking great. But then I think I just put pressure on myself to carry on feeling fucking great but life, and break ups in particular, don't work like that.
Work stress and life stress and the reality sinking in knocked me back down to earth one day and ever since I've had what I can only describe as a low, dull, painful ache of heartbreak. I'm not crying everyday and I'm still laughing my head off, but there's always pure ache missing someone deeply.
And d'you know what I realised, that is so bloody OK. In fact, it's completely normal and maybe even expected. I'm constantly told by people, it could be 6 months, 8 months, a year, 2 years before you feel over it and ready to move on so actually, 5 weeks down the line... I'm not doing too badly. And actually, it's not a weakness to be vulnerable. Vulnerability opens us up to emotions, it makes us feel. The good and the bad but it makes up experience everything fully.
It's funny isn't it, they say time is a healer but time is also the thing that turns you into a bit of a crazy psychopath that constantly assesses everything. I remember saying that after my 2016 post I'd never mention the breakup again but actually, I feel like I've got to a place where it a) makes things a little easier, because we all know blogging is a free form of therapy, and b) it's a huge - let's face it - the main thing ruling my life at the minute, and this blog is about my life, so why wouldn't I occasionally word vomit and sit here with a bar of toblerone and box of tissues being a crying drippy mess and letting the words flow?
I also want to make it so, so clear that I'm not only referring to breakups, this could be grief, this could be just having a bad day, this could be bad mental health periods in your life... I just think that you, we, need to realise that it is 100%, totally OK not to be OK. We live in a world where it's the be all and end all (and let's face it, is lucrative) to portray a perfect life over social media but if I'm honest, those couples that you hashtag CoupleGoals on their content, they could be in the most toxic relationship. The girl you think is BodyGoals, she might struggle with her body image and mental health on a daily basis... focus on yourself, don't compare yourselves to others (lol, if I had a magic potion from Prof Snape that could let me do this... ) and just know that you're doing OK.
You're doing OK and you're probably killing it. I think I realised that you can actually being feeling like shite and still be killing it and still totally have this.
And at least if you don't now, eventually, in time, you will. Don't count that time and don't watch the clocks and don't compare how quickly someone else was OK to how you're doing... sometimes you just have to get your head down and get on with it and take each day as it comes, and in the end, you'll be OK.
At least I really hope that's true because I'm waiting for that peach of a moment to happen and if it doesn't there's gonna be a hella lot more depressing posts on this blog [insert cry laughter emoji here but we all know that deep down I am not crying with laughter. Lol, but totally not lol].
I'm aware that this post has kind of trounced all over my positive Polly vibes and I do hope that everyone taking comfort in my strength isn't now feeling like "Oh ffs, get yourself together, I thought you had this, I needed you have got this". Realistically I wanted it to turn into an empowering, positive message but I still haven't quite nailed the ability to do that when I'm not feeling it myself.
If it helps, I do actually, genuinely believe that I will be OK. And as lame as it may sound, I think that that's half of the battle. EDIT: Since starting to write this post I have had two absolutely smashing, full of positivity days and have fully accepted that this is going to be a rollercoaster of ups and downs, but the shitty times are there to help you appreciate the good. EDIT: Since writing the previous "edit" I had a goddamn awful day, also reinforcing the whole rollercoaster thing.
"Stars can't shine without darkness" and all that...
I always say feel free to leave your thoughts in the comments below and this is no different. I have always been so lucky to have great engagement with you guys and I think it's because my posts are always conversations with you, rather than telling you what to wear or how to boss life. So let me know your thoughts, start a discussion, I genuinely love hearing from every single one of you!
Thanks so much for reading!
xx
Labels: Personal
