WHAT NEW YORK MEANS TO ME

So this post was first drafted 8 months ago. I'd just returned from the trip of a lifetime to New York, I couldn't sleep because insomnia was pretty much like "hey gal pal, glad you enjoyed NYC, now enjoy jetlag and being up all night" and I was crying, hysterically, like... Kim Kardashian ugly cry gif kinda cry, into a jar of peanut butter and builders brew because I just missed New York so much, within hours of being home. And for some completely ridiculously reason I thought it'd be a good idea to write a blog post about it.

Now let me just tell you something, when you've been awake for over 36hrs, you're hormonal af and you've returned from a dream holiday to dreary pissing with rain England, writing a blog post is never a good idea. Unless you want to look back months later for all of the lols/"omg why am I so f**king tragic" feels.

And that's kinda what this post is. It's laughing at myself for being such a mega drip but at the same time, this is exactly how I feel about NYC. So when people ask why am I returning for 3rd time next month instead of going somewhere else, this is why.

I hope you enjoy, I hope you don't christen me loser of all losers, and I'd love to know if you've ever felt like this about a place. 

Throwing back 8 months ago...

"This is one of those posts that will most likely never see the light of day. It's midnight, I'm extremely jet lagged but insomnia has got hold of me by my - non-existent but it makes the phrase sound so much better - balls, and I'm crying. Kinda hysterically, and then laughing at what a complete and utter tit I'm being. You see, this morning I landed home from the trip of a lifetime in NYC and I'm not sure I have ever felt such a confusing as fuck amount of emotions.

So naturally I'm tapping away into a blog post with a jar of peanut butter in hand and absolutely no direction.

Soz for the monstrosity of a post that this is about to become.

You see, I had the most incredible time. I explored the city that completely feels like a second home to me. I ate my weight - and then some - in gluten free pancakes, pizza, wings, maple syrup coated bacon, cheetos, hershey bars etc. and then went back begging for more. I discovered new parts of the city which then became favourite parts, and then rediscovered old favourites which then also became favourites and then became joint favourites because I'm indecisive as fuck I couldn't decide which I loved more. I laughed until I cried with a man that I thought I couldn't be any closer to but somehow this trip also managed to make that happen too. Basically, because I could go on forever, I had the time of my life.

So there's a part of me that's extremely happy and grateful and on cloud nine, looking through my photographs with the warmest heart. Then there's the part of me that is devastated that the trip that I've been so excited about for the longest time is over, the holiday blues you could say... But then there's a part of me that feels slightly, empty, no longer being in New York City.

I've tried my best to put it into words exactly what NYC means to me - and failed on numerous occasions - but I think the conclusion that I've come to is that to me, New York isn't a holiday destination. Or a city. Or a place that I've been to a couple of times and loved. It's an emotion. [EDIT: reading this back made me gag/piss myself with laughter #cheesyaf]. It's a feeling. A feeling of complete and utter contentment, that nothing in the world no longer matters because I'm in my Manhattan bubble and the "outside world" no longer exists. Walking around those perfect upper east side streets, those perfectly imperfect Soho avenues, the Time Square rush that can totally invigorate you as well as overwhelm you and the sometimes damn right terrifying canal street/china town side roads just makes me feel more alive than I have done in a very long time. Because even amongst the tourists fighting to make it onto Time Square's #LoveIsOn board, or be first in line for the limited edition beauty blender in Sephora... New York produces a level of calm in this girl that is usually a neurotic psychopath quite an anxious person. And I think that might be the definition of feeling at home.

A quite strange - but completely welcome - shift in mindset happened to me during this trip and it was that I kind of totally forgot about (and totally didn't miss) social media. SHOCK HORROR. Now, don't get me wrong, I Instagrammed the life out of every single dreamy day whilst I was there, but I didn't scroll through my Instagram feed, I didn't peruse Twitter at any point.. I posted my stuff and got on with exploring... and that contentment/lack of needing to know what everybody is doing every single second of the day is something that I pray to god sticks with me back in London.

I hope this doesn't come across all "Loving life in NYC, don't care what you're doing guys" because that's totally not how it's intended at all. I caught odd moments of peoples lives and enjoyed reading a post or two when I had a few minutes spare in Starbucks, but generally, generally I just completely relaxed, safe in the knowledge that my out of office was firmly switched on and that ever growing inbox could wait until I was back in the real world. [EDIT II: Omg I regretted this so frickin much when I get back and was still emailing 5 days later].

So I have a huge thank you for NYC. Not only for blessing me with the gluten free pancakes that could make a coeliac weep with joy - Big Daddy's diner I'm looking at you - not only for giving me and my fiance the trip of a lifetime, not only for making me "ooh and ahh" at the ridiculous amount of prettiness on every corner... but also for flicking the switch in my head that helped me to live in the moment - for want of a better, less cringe worthy phrase - and not through my iphone. And to totally not even give two shits about that.

Thank you NYC. And hopefully see you soon, because I genuinely can't imagine not having my strolling through Manhattan fix very soon."

So, I'm going to wrap this bad boy up because I'm not sure anything else really needs to be said. Oh, apart from.... SEE YA NEXT MONTH BAE NYC!!!

What places have you fallen in love with? Have you been to NYC before? Talk to me :)

xx

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